I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
