We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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