I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
