I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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