Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
