i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize