also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
