you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
