Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
