i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
