He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
