I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
