i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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