Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
