They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You are a genius and a whore.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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