are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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