i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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