How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
