operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize