Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
