Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
