When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
