if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
even my farts smell like vagina
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
