your parents love me but you hate me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize