True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This is the high leading the old right now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
