This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
