Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize