I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
so much tequila, so little girl.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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