I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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