Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
