Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
