I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
