Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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