She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
