He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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