So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
no. you can't hotbox the world.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
