I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
