I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
