I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
