Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
