Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
