I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my being single is dangerous.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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