also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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