from now on my penis is your penis
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
