Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
