I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
