I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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