i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
