Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
