Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
