she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
