Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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