i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
