From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
