she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
