Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
