HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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