peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
