I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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