My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
