i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
