Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
