I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
