So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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