Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
